It Just Hurts (12.11.2007)

Darkness encompasses this haunted sorrow that gloom over my days and nights. Loneliness enters into the harbor seeking a single soul to rest it’s sails for once more.  Silence penetrates everything.  I sit in silence.  I talk to no one. My heart grows heavy and my mind wonders why. I head knows why, but why my heart? The insatiable chime that strengthened the little bond we had was quickly destroyed by a simple phone call.


The Angel of Death enters into my life once again.   And for once, I am just … silent.  As I listened to the conversation I knew an innocent soul has left this ghastly domain of a prison and freed into the whispering skies once again.   Death is a part of life.  But how would you live life if you knew exactly when you were going to leave this plane and move onto the next?  Like Oedipus, you know your fate and you can’t change it, but then how do you live today? What if you knew that day was closer than you originally thought?  Then what would you do, with what was left of “this” one?


My thoughts bounce around the room like a tennis ball on a court, all over the place. But the only judge in this court was my own consciousness placing blame upon myself.  I could have been more reassuring and loving. But as an empath, I couldn’t. I had already blocked out the feelings that were rushing into MY life, that were not my own.  I felt cold. But not as cold as the freezing Arctic wind that raced across the Talon’s windshield. I felt cold and heartless.  I shouldn’t. But I did.   How was I to know that the last time I saw DH would have been my last? I’m clairvoyant, not a fortune teller. And while many would say it was silly to take blame or responsibility of a death of a loved one, we all do it.  We all wish we could have, should have, … but didn’t with that person one more time.


I fight to choke back the tears. My voice crackles as I talk with my mom on the phone. Several times she asks me if I am going to be okay.  I reply “Yes, just a little choked up a bit Mom, that’s all.”


Today I just got to the point that I didn’t have anything left to say.  I felt empty. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt tired. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable.  I got to the point that there wasn’t anyone that I could really talk to. Amazingly though, I did talk with a lot of people.  I had to charge my phone twice today.  I felt like my students, rambling on and on with no caboose to my train of thought.   But in all my conversations with people today, there really wasn’t anything anyone could say that could make me no longer feel all alone.  There wasn’t anything that was going to make the hurt go away.  And like I said to Mom tonight, “It just hurts Mom, that’s all. Only time can heal a death wound like this.”


Two deaths of family members in one year.  I guess right now I don’t have a 2007 summary like my friends.  All I can really think of right now is the people who were in it with me … and those who no longer will be with me in 2008.